Keeping us on our toes

on our toes. what an understatement. Every single day I wake up and realize that all that's happening is real. and that I'm not dreaming. And I feel completely overwhelmed. But then I feel a sense of peace also. day by day. and then it's manageable. Liam has been making some good progress. But it seems like it's one step forward, two steps back. Last night when I was there for my night visit, his heart rate was up, breathing patterns were high, oxygen was high and his temp was up too. after a dose of morphine and his anti anxiety meds (I wish they shared those with me...) his heart was still up in the 190s. They did a work up and we got a blood test result at 130 am saying his numbers were ok and that there wasn't an infection. A culture test was also done but that won't be done till tonight. They started on antibiotics to make sure it's not a blood infection or some sort of infection so we are waiting to see what is going on. He seems more restful today. Temp is normal, breathing down, but heart rate is still higher. He's off of my milk again because his tummy doesn't like it again. Preemies are so unpredictable. Last night I felt so helpless. My baby seemed like he was distressed or in pain and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. So I talked to him. and sang to him and held his hand. But I felt so helpless. I wish every day they could cut me up and shove him back in. make us both whole again. like it's supposed to be. but we are celebrating the victories. like the fact that I FINALLY GOT TO HOLD MY BABY! 1 week and 4 days after having him. His warmth, his spirit, his love... I felt it all. in my arms. it was bliss. I didn't want to put him down. He was so calm in my arms. We both belonged exactly in the spot we were at at that very moment and we didn't want it to end. We are waiting for his belly button line to be taken out so we are able to hold him every day.

Another HUGE thank you for all of your prayers and support. I am completely overwhelmed with love and caring from SO many people. just know that we appreciate it SO SO much. It's carrying us through. every single day. we love you.