The beginning of a beautiful thing

As I sit here trying to figure out where to begin, I realize that I haven't really come to grasps with what happened nearly a week ago. A day where our lives were changed forever. I guess starting at the beginning is the best way to start the story. It was Thursday Feb 12, 2015. Just a regular day filled with school, pre-school, valentine's day gift shopping for the little ones and kitchen cabinet shopping for our new house. It was around 10:15 that night. All three kids were sleeping and Derek and I were settling in for the night. I've had braxtons throughout all my pregnancies. never thought twice about the ones I'd been having with Liam. I'd had more, but I was also chasing after three kids. I started having some stronger braxton's that night but didn't think twice about it because it had happened before. when I got out of bed to use the restroom before going to bed, I started feeling cold, shaky and had a strange tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I knew right then, something was wrong. I told Derek something didn't feel right and that I was freezing, and I mean freezing and that I couldn't stop shaking. we turned the shower on, closed the door and wrapped me up. the "braxtons" got a little stronger and then all of the sudden it was my back that was KILLING ME. I noticed it got stronger and stronger and that they were in some sort of pattern. I knew then that they were contractions, althought I was still in denial thinking maybe I hurt my back or something. Derek helped me inch my way to our bed where I was screaming in pain and couldn't breathe from the pain. I told him to call an ambulance. something was wrong. after a few contractions, I rolled onto my back like the dispatcher had told Derek to have me do and have him check for crowning. it was then when my water broke. The fear I felt in that very moment will never leave me. helplessness. I knew this baby was coming. I was crying begging this baby not to come. not yet. he was too little and wouldn't survive if he came at home. i was begging for the ambulance to hurry. Spanish fork city has a volunteer fire dept. that terrified me. Having had Derek in a volunteer squad on his first days of fire fighting I knew how they worked. and how trained they were. and it showed. they were as terrified as me. they put me on a tarp, which made me feel like a dead whale and they took me up the stairs and onto the stretcher. they rushed me to the hospital. took me to labor and delivery. and the controlled chaos started. Their main goal was to keep Liam in there. but his heart and my heart were too unstable. I came in with a 38 degree fever which alarmed them and told them maybe I had an infection. Which I don't think I did. the stress of labor probably did it. after an hr of observation they decided were both too unstable and he had to come out. easier said than done. they took me in for a c-section. VERY soon after the epidural kicked in they went to work. time was life. and we didn't have much of it left. they had my stomack pried open and one surgeon was elbows deep in my stomach trying to get him out. he wasn't coming. he was stuck. and every time they tried to pull him out my uterus would contract. my body didn't want to let him go. after a few minutes of trying they were able to get him out. but he went through a lot to get out. too much. after intubating him and getting him stable they took him off to nicu. my little guy was born. at 1:23 am on Friday February 13th 2015. at 2 lbs 11 oz and 14 inches long. he was stable. but things started to go downhill that afternoon. he had gone through so much that his body wasn't able to take it all. his little heart wasn't beating right, and everything was just struggling. the doctors came into my rooom and said "we need to talk. we're really worried about him". meaning, we think your baby is not gonna make it. The world paused. my heart broke. I felt so helpless. hopeless. in pain. a surgeon came back to try one last time to get a central line in to help him fight for his life. they were having a hard time getting any sort of lines going for his life saving medicines. and he was running out of time. this surgeon was able to put a line in through a large vein of his neck that went straight to his heart. We had been going back and forth on names for him. Liam...maxwell...liam... we went up there to give him a blessing. Derek came to me and said we need a name. I went up to him and grabbed Liam's hand. looked at him, and knew right then that his name was Liam. No doubt. it was like a message straight from heaven. Dad and grandpa gave him a blessing. from then on, he started to improve. little by little his organs and heart and everything started leveling out and stabeling out. then came more bad news. Liam had bleeding in his brain from the trauma of birth. it wasn't horrible but it was there. and unfortunately, it was growing. By day 5 his little body was doing MUCH better. very stable and improving but still critical. but his brain told a different story. the bleeding had filled one ventricle, gone into the brain and filled the left ventricle half way. Things don't look good. the doctors tell us he is in very high risk of getting cerebral palsy, delayed developement and many dissabilities. they tell us every child is different. and that no one but Liam will know what his dissabilities or the degree of them will be until we are facing them. my heart aches. so much. thinking he's probably going to be very disabled and not be able to do much. I may not see him graduate, get married or hold his grandkids. that he'll have a daily struggle every day to live. and then the most painful of all, the fact that I may have to bury my son. but then, after I run out of tears I feel peace. the spirit gives me peace. that although I hurt, and I understand the challenges and struggles we will have from now on, Liam is here. and alive. and So many people have turned to God for strenght and help. and that makes me happy. thinking of him makes me cry. and it also makes me so happy. I don't even know what to feel anymore. sometimes I feel terrified, devastated and want to crawl in a hole until this dream ends. sometimes I feel hopeful that he may be the exception and althought he was given all the odds against him he will pull through it. so I go see him. and he reminds me that he can do this. that he's got the fighting spirit to make it through. to not worry. everything will be ok. no matter what. that Heavenly Father is watching over him. keeping him safe. no matter what the outcome is. he carries me through this. keeps me in one piece. and picks up the ones that have already shattered. and tries to help me keep it together. day by day. hour by hour really... so we ask for your continued prayers. that Liam will be ok. that he will defy the odds they are giving him. Have faith that Heavenly Father can heal him. and make his life as easy as it's supposed to be. Liam is a strong spirit. maybe too strong for this life. and maybe will be too perfect to have to go through this life like the rest of us. His progress is up to him now. and I know his strong spirit will carry him through this. day by day. and his strong spirit will carry us through it too.